Ramblings, Thoughts & Blasphemy..

Sigh
I just don't use livehournal enough....then again, not like I have a chance, everytime I'm around a working computer something happens, so here I am once again at the library until I can get my lap top fixed or my temp. roomate gets her desktop fixed


so...
whats new on my side of the hill
well I will make it brief...

Friend we were originaly living with couldn't afford the rent & I couldn't find a job so she had to move to long beach ( fack I miss her!!) & me & suzi had to move in with Brownie at his house. things were weird there... we had our own room, he said to help put with what we could, yet any money he got from us or his other roomate , instead of paying rent he used it to buy coke , opium & speed, soon 2 months later he & everybody else there was evicted becasue he was a drug addled idiot. makes me glad I don't do drugs anymore, I have no tolerance for druggies anymore. I can't stand them.
anywayz, during that time before everyone was givn the boot, my lap top fried ( possibly a virus) he talked mad shit about us, elegant bastards is improving now that we have 2 GIRLS in the band ( I love my nancy pants & vicky payasa!!) & jukin on guitar now. I'm about to fire the drummer though..he is gettign on my last nerve...we are recording soon, so this is his last chance, if he cannot get it together for the recording, then he's out. lets see what else, half of my friends have dwindled down, either they turned out to be two faced or they can;t get past ther eown shit to see hey, I got shit goign on too so I can't talk to you as often as you expect me too. ugh
found my ex wife, now if we can just get money & time to get the dicorce, me & suzi can get married , that is if she still wants to when this is all over with...
moved in with my friend tasha, my best friends ex, found out he was in jail cauuse he beat the shit out of her. havn't talked to him in a while, I want to, but since he's always drunk it makes it difficult, & quite frankly I don't want me & suzi in the middle of this. I really don't want him in a drunken rage coming over to the house & doing somethign stupid while suzi is there. I am not sure how to handle this...
still looking for a job, what the fuck man?!?! do you realize just how many applications & interveiws I have done since I came back in dec?!?!?!? & stil nothing?!?! I'm on G.R. for fucks sake...what the hell?!!

it's hot too fuckign hot....

not much to say, another show tomarrow nite @ the blue monkey in hollywood. me , nancy, vicky & suzi are gonna see rebel rebel saturday.
thats abotu it

I will try to update this as much as I can, maybe I will put up some of my loast anarchy articles up too....

so much has happened since I was last on here
god it's been forever....

I been living in Indianapolis indiana for the past year & now I'm moving back to L.A.
it's fucking boring out here
Suzi is coming with me too.
SO here we are
less then 2 weeks away from being back home, to be quite honest, I went from being excited & ecstatic to just plain frustrated, stressed out & eager to just get this over with....
the whole moving process has been taking a toll on both of us, the living situation is getting tense with her sisters. her mom has been supplying us with stuff we'll need, like toiletries & such. which is sweet. but other things floating in the air, kind of ware down on one's nerves, the tension, & it affects her, it's bad enough she is worried she will disappoint me for some reason, or that I'll send her back to Indiana, or the people I'm close to will hate her, & so forth, but the added pressure doesn't help at all.
of course I got my worries too, I'm always worried I might screw things up, worried plans will blow up in my face, that I will make her miserable. so yea, I'm very eager to get this over with so we can get on with our lives..

well its coming down to the wire..

in a few hours I'll be at the greyhound station on my way to indiana
sooo..if you send me a messege & I don't answer so soon, thats why
I'll try to cehck my stuff as soon as I can, but well I'll be pretty busy with my gf suzi,
holy crap..I am soooo friggin nervous 7 excited...
this is gonna be fun
see you all when I get back to l.a. in a week!!

Ahh yes my firends that read my ramblings & other crap
it's been quite an eventfull few weeks

the living situation is good, soon it will be better when we get an bigger place & we gots our own rooms & what not.
I love my roomates, they rock

Thigns with my love Suzi are going fucking excellent
so excellent in fac that
sunday mornign I will be on my way to Indianapolis indiana, I will arrive there tuesday after noon & there I will spend a week with suzi, god I am so excited..scared but excited.....

my life has gotten better over the past few weeks, I have not been stressed otu like I was, or even suicidal again...I actually feel almost normal
it's a great feeling

Me & amy are still talking, her life is goign good o, she found her happiness I found mine.


& on that note I leave you with this..

You know something?
I am mother fuckign tired of being made to feel guilty about stuff that was not my fault in the first place

I loved her
she hurt me
She did some prety screwed up things to me
I moved on
she wanted me back
I couldn't do it
I was givin no choice but to move on
& I'm the bad guy becasue of this?

The only person I have to talk to abotu stuf fike this is Suzi & quite frankly in my desire to be hones twiht her I may have fucked up

I just have a feeling
so whatever
once again I get the shitty end of everything
I am made out to be the asshole
once again...
All I wanted was someone to love meback as much as I could love them
I jsut couldn't get that
& the one I did get I might accidently run her off if I'mnot carefull

You hurt me but I tried to be yoru friend still
then you drp me as a friend
why? casue you can;t have me & him?
would you leave him fo rme honestly?
I'm not so sure about that..
lets say I leave suzi to be with you again, then you decide, "No I'm gonna stay with him" where does that leave me?
alone
is that the point
would it make you happier to see me alone & miserable & still begin you back? is that it?
you say you don't wnat me to hurt or be miserable, but it seems like...I dunno..maybe I'mbeing too mean in this
to be honest I am very angry righ tnow, you pulled th whoel "oh I'm deleting you off my myspace"..what kind of a friend is that?
then again, why am I upset that I got deleted off of soemones myspace? what am I? in fucking high school?!
oh now I know why
becasue despite all the shit
i still care about you
despite all the hurt & pain you put me through i still loved you
did you read th eblog?
did you notice of all people Suzi actually came to your defense?
probly not
If you want to talk to me & you actually care about me as much as you claim, you know where to find me
if not
whatever..I'm tired of putting myself out for people
I'm tired of holding things back
I'm tired of holding my feelings back
I'm tired of lettign shit ruin my relationships
I just want to be happy
I just want what I always wanted
to be loved & needed
me
just me
this posting has turned more into a rant by now
I don't even know if thre is a point to anything I said anymore
I don't knwo if any of this actually makes sense to anyone
& you know what
I don't fucking care

right now I'm not sure if I care about anything anymore
I jsut hope i still have my gf.

by tomarow after I get some sleep & go to work
I shold be less angry
I wont even be angry at you any more
I don't want ot be angry wiht you
it feels wrong
I dont knwo what the fuck is wrong wiht me anymore

so here we go

what do you do when you found out the woman you once loved ( well, still love ) could have changed everything jsut by saying one thing ?

So
I was almost a father again...
she miscarried
that doesn't bother me as much as the fact that
she didnt tell me until a couple of nites agi this happend when she moved back, she didn't even knwo she wa pregnant, then seh miscrried
not her fault at all of course, please don't misunderstand me
however
if she had jsut told me then instead of pushing me away &trying "not to hurt me " & "doing what she thoguht was best at the time" then we could have never been broken up & I'd probly be out there with her now.

butit didn't work like that
it kills me she couldnt tell me?
I understand it was hard on her
but the fact that she didnt tell me...until now, almost what? 2 months later
I am still upset with her becasue of that, becaseu that would havemade a diference & I wold have understood what was going on better
but it's too late now

I am wiht suzi & wiht her i will stay, though I love her too & I always will. I am not goign to throw her away I cant do that.. I'm not that type of person.
I cae too much sometimes, bt you know what? thats me deal with it.

funnything is, I dreeamt of a girl, me & amy had a girl...in almost every dream I had after she left...so it probly would have been a girl
it fucking hurts how life works sometimes...

I hope AMy does not feel bad becaeu of this , I'm not trying to make her feel bad, I'm jsut being open here, jsut saying what I feel..

what is done is done

I would have waited forever for you
I was going to
I wanted you back no matter what
you pushed me away
you said everythign you could to hurt me
you made me feel like dirt becasue I still cared
you kicked me
eventually I finally go the idea
you wanted me to back off & leave you alone
I did
so I moved on
now that I have someone else
You wanted me back
why now?
why couldn't you want me back a month ago
DO you know how hard it is for me to say no to you
do you know how hard it is not to say "come back home baby, I wnat you"
it fucking kills me
either I hurt you or I hurt her
the difference is, All I did weas give you what you wanted,
you wanted me to move on
I did
now it's nto what you wanted after all
this is hard
I love you so much
but yes hon
I love her too
I suppose I do love her almost as much as you
plus
I don't want her to go thorugh the same heart ache I wnet through
but
I didnt want to hurt you either
for that I am truly sorry
I miss you hon
I really do
I wanted you to come back home
I really did
now I can't
does that change how I feel about you?
no
I am always there for you
no matter what
& I still love you
never doubt that
yes there is still a bind between us
what that means I'm not sure
I am so confused
I hope you will be happy
I hope he never breaks your heart
he better not ever hurt you
no matte what th efuture holds fo us
I am always here
i always care
& I willnot abandon you no matter what

Mission UK

Butterfly on a wheel

Silver and gold and it's growing cold
Autumn leaves lay as thick as thieves
Shivers down your spine chill you to the bone
'Cos the mandolin wind is the melody that turns
Your heart to stone

The heat of your breath carving shadows on the mist
Every angel has the wish that she's never been kissed

A broken dream haunting in your sleep
And hiding in your smile a secret you must keep
Love cuts you deep

Love breaks the wings of a butterfly on a wheel
Love breaks the wings of a butterfly on a wheel

There's no scarlet in you, lay your veil down for me
As sure as God made wine, you can't wrap your arms
Around a memory
Take warmth from me, cold Autumn winds cut sharp as
a
knife
And in the dark for me, you're the candle flame that
Flickers to life

Love breaks the wings of a butterlfy on a wheel
Love will break the wings of a butterfly on a wheel

Wise men say all is fair in love and war
There's no right or wrong in the design of love
And I could only watch as the wind crushed your wings
Broken and torn crushed like the flower under the snow
And like the flower in spring
Love will rise again to heal your wings

Love heals the wings of a butterfly on a wheel
Love will heal the wings of a butterfly on a wheel

my friend Nancy posted this up on myspace
I found it intereseting
since most of this, I have done...
sigh

I'm pathetic I know! lol

it actually made me a little sad:


To all the girls who look past the nice guys

I'm sorry
that i bought you roses
to tell you that i like you

I'm sorry
That I was raised with respect
not to sleep with you when you were drunk

I'm sorry
That my body's not ripped enough
to "satisfy" your wants

I'm sorry
that I open your car door,
and pull out your chair like I was raised

I'm sorry
That I'm not cute enough
to be "your guy"

I'm sorry
That I am actually nice;
not a jerk

I'm sorry
I don't have a huge bank account
to buy you expensive things

I'm sorry
I like to spend quality nights at home
cuddling with you, instead of at a club

I'm sorry
I would rather make love to you then just screw you
like some random guy.

I'm sorry
That I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date

I'm sorry
That I always held your hair back when you threw up,and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car,
but when we went out you went home with another guy


I'm sorry
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,
but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend

I'm sorry
If I start not being there, and being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new jerk comes around

I'm sorry
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

I'm sorry
that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.

I'm sorry
If you read this and know somebody like this
but don't care But most of all

I'm sorry
That you can't accept me for who I am

I'm sorry
I can never do anything right, and nothing that I do is good
enough to make it in your world.

I'm sorry
I caught your bf with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...

I'm sorry
That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.

I'm sorry
That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your bf was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.

I'm Sorry
That i cared

I'm sorry
that I listen to you at night talk about how you wish you could have done something different.

I'm sorry
For not being sorry anymore

Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there are never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"
Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.

If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, repost as "I'm sorry "

If You're one of the FEW girls with enough BALLS to repost, and you would never make your guy feel this way, repost as **"To all the girls who look past the nice guys

soo
how do I pul this off?

I need to come wiht money to kick down my firend for letting me crash here cause she needs it, & I want to help out
having problems in job area
& on top of all that, I need to get moey up to visit suzi & possibly get a hotel ( though her mom said I coudl stay there but that makes it a little hard to uh..do things there ..ahem..lol
besides I need soem meony while i'm out there, don't have to worry abotu food since to quote her mom "damn it, he's gonna be a geust , so we will feed him , so tell him to shut up & get over here he
s not mooching!" lol
her mom is pretty cool. her step dad..may be a slight problem...but I'm already in good wiht her mom & sis so far...

not sure wht to do...
I would like to visit my too, wish I could do it all in one trip somehow...damn I need to win the lottery or something lol

ok
I need to go to bed

I'm concerned about her

not becasue of her bieng in another relationship, or the things she said are going on in it right now
btu I'm concerned about her taking care of herself
she is a good girl
dmsrt & inteligent
I'm worried she may hurt herself though
Obviusly I'm gonna be concerned
obviusly, I still love her
I'm convinced no matter what thats not going away, no point even trying to make it go away anymore
I just hope she will be ok
I'd hate to have to make a speacial trip otu there to make sure she's ok..
I would do though

in other news my drummer is pissing me off to no end..

now he's bitching about the cd cover & the banners on the band page that are bbw fetish models ( that promote for us by the way)
he asked me to "comprimise & taek them down
I said no
& yesterday
ha ha ha
get this....
well fist it was suggeste3d to do a new cover
I said no
then he suggested we make two covers for the same cd
2 covers...

ok
gage has no problem wiht the cover
Jukin's only concern was becasue of my personal feeling sbut I let him know me & amy are cool so he is alright wiht it.
it's just blue
what it comes down to is this:
he doesn't want a big girls titties on a cd he's playing on
well thats just to obad
the3 new cd cover has to be one of the best ones I ever seen, & I feel honored to have it as my bands cd cover ( & quite frankly, amy's breasts covered in fake blood will always be pretty hot! lol sorry hon! but it's true!
if he doesn't like it fuck him
maybe I shoul dconsider looking for a new drummer
tuesday at band practice we are gonna have a band meeting
I'm gonna let his ass have it
fucker

so...

as if life was not complicated enough

let me ask you a question..

suppose your with someone for like 2 years
you are madly in love wiht this person & will do anythign foe them
they are you world
they are everythign to you
then one day they go back to where they came from , promising that they wanted to be with you still & loved you
then once they were out there they dumped you & said they were not in love with you anymore
so you try to hang on, tryign to be patient hoping it's jsut the stress there goign though casue of there family business
but they do everythign they can to push you away & make you feel like shit casue you still care.
then on top of that, they fall in love with someone almost imediately & all the things she use to say to you she says to them now.
she says she is tired of hearing your poor me bullshit, even though she is the one that hurt you & riped your heart out. but for some reason YOU are worng..
it tears you apart then it comes down to one thing..
so finally you get the idea & you do what they want
you back off.
then the person your talking to alot abotu this who has been into you for the whole time they have known you thats always been a good friend , all of a sudden you feel a connection with them. you talk to them on the phone, many emails, this girl turns out to be pretty fuckign cool. you decide. "ok, I'm gonna give this girl a chance. I loved her as a friend for a long time, but now I feel I can love her as more." so the two of you get together, & things are fine.
then the one that you loved becomes upset & thinks you moved on too quickly ( evne though they practically forced you to move on & broke your heart & spirit in the process), & she is upset by it. the two of you stop talkign for awhile. then you reconnect & you try the friendship again, which was always a good feindship, becasue despite everythign, she is a good person, & both the freidnship & the relationship were good. but then one day she says she regrets what she's done & it's too late.
so you actually have second thoguhts "what if I shoul dbe with her?" you think. you think you should beg her , that if she does love you & miss you as much as she says that you should get back together.." but you also realize, doign that would hurt someone else, & what if you do this & she decides "no I don't want to be wiht you" & your left alone & lose both of your friends? so she is upset casue she reads a blog that your new gf wrote abotu how much she loves you & she thinks YOu were in love with the other girl while with her. even though you gave everything to her in your heart & soul, she actually says you didn't love her over those 2 years & you lied to her.
what do you do when this all tears you apart inside?
what do you do when your insides feel like there on fire & beign crushed in a vice
what do you do when you are more confused then you have ever been over this ordeal
what do you do?

I don't knwo anymore
maybe I should just dissapar on everyone before I hurt someone else or get hurt again myself

I think that I may be a bit foolish thinking that I can make anyone happy

I don't knwo why Amy is thinking I'm hurting her
casue I never wanted to hurt her, no matter how much she did to hurt me
& I definately don't want to hurt suzi, she did nothign wrong but be there for me.

the decision is so clear..
so obvious

I am so fucked up in the head. I can't make anyone happy.
if I could, amy would still been here & this would have never happend.
I don't knwo
it's nto a matter of beign unsure of myself or putting myself down
I really am startign to feel like I am the casue of all my heataches & messed up relationships after all...

Q lazzarus
Goodbye Horses

You told me, I see you rise
But, it always falls
I see you come, I see you go
You say, "All things pass into the night"
And I say, "Oh no sir I must say you're wrong
I must disagree, oh no sir, I must say you're wrong"
Won't you listen to me

You told me, I've seen it all before
Been there, I've seen my hopes and dreams
A lying on the ground
I've seen the sky just begin to fall
And you say, "All things pass into the night"
And I say, "Oh no sir, I must say you're wrong
I must disagree, oh no sir, I must say you're wrong"
Won't you listen to me

Good-bye horses I'm flying over you
Good-bye horses I'm flying over you

You ever been confused about things & not sure what the fuck is going on anymore?
just when ou think things are one way then they seem another?
ugh
liek I don't get confused easily enough! lol
no, no one to blame but myself for this one! lol

so lets see....

As I've said me & amy are talking again. she's got a job & everything & am proud of her. I knew she could do anythign she wanted, she's a inteligent girl. I miss that butthole! lol ( umm I'm calling her a butthole not..umm nevermind! lol)

Been talking to Suzi everday, 2-3 times a day.
its weird, she has been into moe for so friggin long. before I even got with Amy. she has turned out to be pretty cool. hmm, she's 5'8"/5'9" though..man this is gonna be interesting! lol I have not dated a tall girl in a long time, & the last one I date was only like 5'7" & that was years ago.
SHe opens up alot to me when we are talking telling me all abotu her life, to be honest, freaky as it sounds in alt of ways she reminds me of a cross between me &..Amy...
talking to Amy last night she brought up that her mom thought Suzi looked like her, 3 other people told me the same thing, even suzi was tripping out on how much they look alike. I hope no one thinks I'm trying to replace amy wiht a "new amy" cause thats not the case. this is just a weird..freaky thing. lol
in the meantime I'm trying deperately to get my life together, fileing aploication after aplication, going to job interveiw after Job interveiw. on came through, though its' only a wekend job & training fo r that doesn't start till wed. I'm waiting on a call form another one, which is better pay.
hopefully Ic an get things together soon, casue I plan on going to indiana for a week or so the middle of next month or the end of next month, but of course I gotta be back by oct. 13th for our show at the unknown theatre.
Her mom seems to like me a bit, so does her sister, however they are trying deperately to get her to convince me to move to indiana, instead of her moving out here. so thats is up in the air, thats th only thing that bothers me abotu this relationship.
I mean yea of course I was gona move to ohio, but that was different, I been wiht amy 2 years, so I knew her well enough to want to spend my life wiht her out there.
however, in this case I don't know..
maybe I'm fooling myself & this will blow up in my face like evry relationship I ever been in. seems like just when I'm happy , then billion things go wrong to fuck it up.
I am seriously startign to think I have some sort of curse on me that I can never have a permanent relationship.
I wish Amy & I never broke up to be honest sometimes.
don't miss understand me now, I do love suzi, she is fuckin great but..
well..
whatever, doesn't matter now does it?
so..
I wonder how long this one iwll last? a year, 2 years? a few months, a few weeks
ok, time to start placing your bets...

& on top of everything, I feel liek such a fuckin mooch. my freind meagan has been letting me stay at her place for almost 4 weeks now. I've hardly givn her a fucking dime...I fel liek shit becasue of that. not because I don't want to give it to her, of course I want to help out, she's been a good friend, however most of the time I just don't have it, I barely get enough money up to put onmy phone or buy ciggerettes. let lone give hr money I shold be paying her.
I do waht I can around the house, I clean the kitchen, I'l do her & her feinds laundry with mine, help clean the house, & she is totally gratefull, btu to me thats not enough you know?
I don't want her to eventually think I'm just using her or whatever. I'm worried that may come up soon...
god damn I suck...lol

When the routine bites hard
and ambitions are low
And the resentment rides high
but emotions won't grow
And we're changing our ways,
taking different roads
Then love, love will tear us apart
again (4)

Why is the bedroom so cold
Turned away on your side?
Is my timing that flawed,
our respect run so dry?
Yet there's still this appeal
That we've kept through
our lives
Love, love will tear us apart again (4)

Do you cry out in your sleep
All my failings expose?
Get a taste in my mouth
As desperation takes hold
Is it something so good
Just can't function no more?
When love, love will tear us apart
again (4)

what a strange trip its been

so now I am in a relationship again. this time with suzi, A girl I've known as long as amy who lives in indiana. its still a weird feeling fo rme.
me & amy stopped talking to each other for a week. ( I think it was a week anyway). then yesterday she wrote me on the bastard myspace page. we strated talking again, & looks like we are freinds again.
it's funny , when I saw the email from her, my entire body just shook like ..I don't knwo what & my mind was going crazy, my heat was beating like a neal pert drum solo...I hadn't even opend the email yet at that point
I'd be a liar if I said I didn't love her still. my reaction proved it. I went through every emotion wiht her, including a very short period of hate ( ehich lasted about 20 min lol)
SHe is happy. I am glad she is happy.
I'm happy but scared shitless.
what if Suzi can't handle a relationship wiht me & does the same thing? what if I always expect her to do the same thing & seh doesn't & therefore I screw up the relationship
god I am so fucked up
why in thehell would anybody wnat me anywayz! I can't blame someone to get away from me to be honest..
ugh
sorry

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, Worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, Going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, No expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrows
No tomorrow, No tomorrow

Chorus
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which i'm dying, Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very
Mad World, Mad World

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And they feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, Sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me whats my lesson
Look right through me, Look right through me

Chorus
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which i'm dying, Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad World, Mad World

Enlargen your world

Mad World

ANATHEMA
Shroud Of False

We are just a moment in time
A blink of an eye
A dream for the blind
Visions from a dying brain
I hope you don't understand

[Lyrics & Music: D.Patterson]


Fragile Dreams

Countless times I trusted you,
I let you back in,
Knowing... Yearning... you know
I should have run... but I stayed

Maybe I always knew
My fragile dreams would be broken... for you

Today I introduced myself
To my own feelings
In silent agony, after all these years
They spoke to me... after all these years

Maybe I always knew
My fragile dreams would be broken... for you